Toddlers are little people who are full of emotions, they want to be treated like an adult and be independent, but at the same time be able to be dependent for their basic needs. It is important to not treat them like they or their choices do not matter. They can be upset or emotional (which the modern term is tantrum) as they feel that mommy and daddy get to do the same thing whereas they are not. This can be very confusing for them and rightly so.

Kids up to the age of 7 do not understand logic and reasoning as the part of brain responsible for this functionality (neo natal cortex) does not fully develop till that age. Until then it is hard for them to process information and think logically or understand why they are being treated differently than others. Why they are not allowed to touch or play with certain things, while adults can use those things such as knife, scissors, or hob.

All these stuffs make the little people go through several emotions which are beyond their control. They can not control their emotions. If things keep happening that adds to their emotions then finally they give in for a tantrum which can be hard for parents to handle but trust me it is harder for kids.

I try to follow the following steps to help connect with my toddler and avoid situations that may force my toddler to have an outburst of emotions or tantrum. These all work for most of the times as sometimes it just gets out of hand as at times I just forget that I am the bigger one:

• Liberty of taking decisions: There are so many things in a toddler’s daily lives where they have no control over like going to daycare, what’s on the menu, or what is going to happen in their life today and so on. Let them take small decisions in their daily life like what clothes or shoes to put on, brushing their teeth or what route to take during your walks or sometimes if they do not want to bath then don’t force them to. These make them feel they are in control for at least some part of their life. 
• Listen to what they are asking for: Listen to what they are saying and see if their demand is genuine so that you can let them do what they are wanting to or if you listen to it and categorise if you make that happen will it be encouraging a bad behaviour. E.g. my kid wants to go stir the hot pot on hob to help me or daddy but instantly my parenting instincts will tell me no to the kid but then I weigh it if it is really that bad thing. This always calms me down. So if I let him stir the pot then I tell him to be careful and I am near him and hold him so that I am ready if my kid does a mistake.
• Let’s have a Win win situation: When your kid is asking for something and you are not ready for it then instead of saying no then have a win win situation that would suit your kid and you. I know it is hard to come up with all the time so sometimes you have to be firm and I understand that as I have gone through that. E.g. when I bring my kid to shop and when he see those toys he goes crazy and wants to buy it all. He is at the verge of losing it all when I say no. I can not always avoid this situation so I offer a trade off like kids magazine or mini healthy food pouches or snacks like Ellas kitchen or Organix.
• All positive talks: My mother taught me if you can not say anything good about anyone then do not say a word. This should be your mantra for your kid. If you are frustrated or annoyed about some stuffs regarding your toddler and you happen to bump into your friend when you are with your kid then please restrain yourself from speaking ill or anything negative about your kid to your friend. You can fill your friend in when your kid is not around may be. Remember they are listening.
• Monkey See Monkey Do: Toddlers and kids are watching your every move so if you want them to not do something that you do not approve of, make sure you do not do it too or at least avoid it when they are around. E.g. I do not like to give my kid much screen time and everytime he sees me with phone he wants it and starts to cry until he gets it. I did not want to him go through this and also if I want him to not have screen times, then honestly, I should try to avoid it too. So, I started to keep my phone away and I just avoided the situation. I know I need to teach him about screentime so I am working towards it and these days when he wants to watch something I tell him that he is going to get 10 min and then we play something else and then watch it again later. Ofcourse after that he forgets for good time as we lay god games and I hide my phone.

I am sure there will be situations where you can not avoid the emotional outbursts so hopefully the following guidelines (SENSE by Sarah Ockwell-Smith) will help you to calm the situation (it might not work all the time but trust me it is better than giving up and getting frustrated):

• Safety

If your toddler has an emotional outburst or tantrum, then make sure your kid, you, and people around you are safe. Ensure that your kid is no danger or anyone around you is (including you). 

• Empathy

Empathise with your kid as they are not able to handle these emotions and cannot control it. Try to know what has triggered them? How are they feeling? (they are mostly scared, upset, confused and out of control), make sure they know that you are hearing them. Just remember they are not acting this way to give you are hard time, infact they are having a hard time!

• Name

Help your toddler to understand what they are feeling by naming their emotions, it will help your toddler to learn to understand their emotions and be able to communicate it. “I can see you are angry that the little boy took your toy”, “You are sad that I did not give you any more screen time”, and so on.

• Support

Your toddler is not yet capable of regulating their emotion, they generate lots of big feelings, yet their brain is not yet sufficiently mature enough to diffuse them, they need your help for that!

Those naughty corner or other modern day disciplinary methods are mistakenly believed to help toddlers to regulate their emotions – they don’t. These methods work as a form of conditioning because the toddler learns that there is no point in crying, all that will happen is they are left on the step alone, without their needs met.

You need to step in and offer your more mature capabilities of emotional regulation and soothing to help your toddler to calm down in forms to just listening or hugs with empathy.

• Exchange

Coming from the point of win win situation, offer your toddler a more acceptable choice, exchanging the unacceptable for the acceptable “I can see you want to play with water, we can in the sink instead of pouring water on the floor”, “We don’t bite people, it hurts, but you can bite this teething toy instead”, “We don’t hit people, it hurts, but you can hit your special angry cushion” and so on.

For more information see the below links to read more on understanding toddlers emotions and tantrums:

Taming Toddler Tantrums? It’s Common SENSE!

ZeroToThree – challenging behaviour of toddlers

Children start developing their emotions since as an infant, which lasts approximately from birth to the age of two years. Interactions with parents and observations of parental relations, who are the first and most prominent figures in a child’s early life help develop the emotions. Happiness, distress and disgust are amongst the initial emotions to appear in children just a few months after birth. Later on, social emotions appear followed by the emotion of fear between the ages of two and four years. 

Medcraveonline – article on the link between child emotion and parental conflict

The below article is great in explaining the first 6 milestones of emotional development and explains preschoolers emotions on a high level.

PsychCentral – understanding toddlers emotional moods

The article below talks about the kind of plays that you need your toddlers to play to encourage them regulate their emotions like: imaginative play, outdoor play, playdates, messy play, reading books on emotions, singing and dancing:

RaisingChildren.net.au – Toddler Play – learning through play